i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
