I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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