They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
