The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
