You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
