how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
