New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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