Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize