In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
