How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
