This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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