I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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