none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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