My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
