fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
