after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
