Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
