just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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