dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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