I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
