Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
