I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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