But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
