Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
