very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
