So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
