I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
