I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
