The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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