dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
