He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
