I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
