Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
