you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you traded sex for a burrito?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What a dumb baby whore.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
