My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize