I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
