took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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