just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
