yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
