Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
