It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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