How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
