I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
