Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
