Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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