my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
