I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize