I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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