I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
