i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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